1/1/11....a new year, a new adventure. Today seems like such a fresh page to many. So many people will create resolutions, many of which will be abandoned before the month is up. As I approached 2011, I'm not sure I really "resolved" to do/be anything...though there are things that are changing--not as a result of the passing of a year.
As I grow older, I am learning more about myself...my likes and dislikes, my goals, the things I value...and they aren't necessarily what I thought when I was younger. For example...doing anything alone was a sign of weakness...the ultimate sign of being a loser is being alone. Well, I've gone to the movies twice in the past 2 weeks alone to see a movie I love. I love ballet. I love dancing. I couldn't stop yammering about Black Swan. I knew not many of my friends would be thrilled to see it...so I went alone. I thought I'd be "that girl"...you know, the one who appears to have no friends, no one must like, because she is at the movies...ALONE. But I got the courage together, and I went. I uttered "one...black swan, please". I got my diet coke, and entered a FILLED theater, and found a seat. Alone. And I didn't die. I felt nervous and was ready for the lights to go down...but sure enough the lights went down, the previews came on, and there was my movie. Ballet slippers thudding, Natalie Portman en pointe, a beautiful soundtrack...i was taken away (until the stupid townies started being redneck)...and all of a sudden, it didn't matter I was alone.
So today, I wanted to see it again. So, I got ready and headed off. Again I uttered, "one for Black Swan", selected my seat and settled in. I watched intently, seeing things differently the second time around...and the movie wasn't the only thing I saw differently the second time. The idea of solo came to me. As a musician (and lover of dance), solos are cherished, prized, competed for. Your love of your art...your passion, motivates you to keep pushing, striving, perfecting, until you get that moment to shine. Yet, once this concept of solo...or being alone...in life is seen as bad, scary, amiss.
Growing up, I died for the solo...the one to sing the descant, the only one to sing that song...the special one. Yet, now going solo to a movie freaked me out? How is it, that standing out...alone, bearing your through your gift (music, dance, etc), is less anxiety inducing than attending a 2pm movie alone?
Somehow, this idea of alone (or flying solo) is equated with something terrible...at least to me. I don't know if it is Americans, Southerners, or Christian Southerners...but as a near 27 year old...not in a significant relationship--I seem to be an outlier. So many friends are married with children, married, engaged, or at least seriously dating. My deam of being married with 2 (of 4) kids by 30 is pretty out the window at this point...and a a year or two ago, it would've stressed me out. But now I look at this idea of solo...I get to make it up as I go...I don't have a partner to dance with, or a harmony to fit in to...I get to create as I go. If I want to pursue more education, I can. If I want to move to New York with my best friend, I can. All I know, is that this year...solo will not scare me--it will help motivate me to pursue my passions.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Monday, August 2, 2010
brevity
It seems hard to write tonight...but when I don't know what do to, think, or say...I go to writing. Somehow the click of the keys, the certainty of the delete key help the thoughts come and go...form into sentences, fragmented thoughts that hope to become logical, complete paragraphs.
I got the call this morning that a friend had passed away--a friend from college and grad school. I'm SO tired of these phone calls. The calls about Murph brought back the feelings of loosing Jeremy...and being trapped, far away from Tennessee, not able to do anything. The past 18 months seem to be full of sadness. Losing Jeremy made me question how and why God would take a young, healthy man. Today, another young friend is gone. And all seemingly so quickly. Both of them were under 30...a lifetime ahead of them.
It is so weird to say "my friend died today". I'm 26. I didn't say a grandparent or a mentor...a friend. Someone of my peer group. we're in our 20s! Some of us don't even know who we are yet...or what we want to be when we grow up. We're still in school...we still eat cereal for dinner, drink cheap drinks, live with roommates (or better yet...STILL live on campus), drive hand-me-down or used cars...we're young! Dying shouldn't be part of the vocabulary...we're supposed to be plotting adventures, travels, weddings...just beginning our lives. Today I spoke to friends across the country...WA, SC, IN, VA and TN...all of us trying to make sense and understand what had just occurred. How could our funny, witty, caring Murph possibly be gone?? In his passing...I talked to girls I haven't seen in a year or 2...hadn't picked up a phone to call in probably just as long. But it was as though that wasn't important today--today was about Murph.
I can't help but think how this isn't fair. and i know life isn't fair. I can't help but think why them? Why not me? Seeing these lives go by so quickly makes me reflect on the concept that we are NOT promised tomorrow, next week, next year, or the next 10 years. I am NOT promised a family, children, a PhD...they are the desires in my heart...but they are not promised to me. And, unfortunately, sometimes I live too far in the future. "Well...if I can make it to October, I'll be happy"..."if I can get married, then I'll be happy"...I'm not promised anything longer than the moment I'm currently living. I can plan for the future and aspire to be many things, but the reality is that i don't know if i will have months, years, decades...no one knows. With each friend passing, it makes me stop and wonder what am I doing with my life. When Jeremy passed, I promised myself I would do more to live my life fully...like he would've. This commitment took me to the top of a mountain in Mexico in March of 2010. What will i learn this time? How can I honor Murph in my life?
Right now I feel even more uncertain. Trying to trust God when nothing makes sense is so hard...and doesn't make sense in the context of our lives and culture...but what else can I do? What else can we do? I have to rest in the promise that HE gives and TAKES AWAY...and ALL will work according to His good, perfect, and pleasing will.
I got the call this morning that a friend had passed away--a friend from college and grad school. I'm SO tired of these phone calls. The calls about Murph brought back the feelings of loosing Jeremy...and being trapped, far away from Tennessee, not able to do anything. The past 18 months seem to be full of sadness. Losing Jeremy made me question how and why God would take a young, healthy man. Today, another young friend is gone. And all seemingly so quickly. Both of them were under 30...a lifetime ahead of them.
It is so weird to say "my friend died today". I'm 26. I didn't say a grandparent or a mentor...a friend. Someone of my peer group. we're in our 20s! Some of us don't even know who we are yet...or what we want to be when we grow up. We're still in school...we still eat cereal for dinner, drink cheap drinks, live with roommates (or better yet...STILL live on campus), drive hand-me-down or used cars...we're young! Dying shouldn't be part of the vocabulary...we're supposed to be plotting adventures, travels, weddings...just beginning our lives. Today I spoke to friends across the country...WA, SC, IN, VA and TN...all of us trying to make sense and understand what had just occurred. How could our funny, witty, caring Murph possibly be gone?? In his passing...I talked to girls I haven't seen in a year or 2...hadn't picked up a phone to call in probably just as long. But it was as though that wasn't important today--today was about Murph.
I can't help but think how this isn't fair. and i know life isn't fair. I can't help but think why them? Why not me? Seeing these lives go by so quickly makes me reflect on the concept that we are NOT promised tomorrow, next week, next year, or the next 10 years. I am NOT promised a family, children, a PhD...they are the desires in my heart...but they are not promised to me. And, unfortunately, sometimes I live too far in the future. "Well...if I can make it to October, I'll be happy"..."if I can get married, then I'll be happy"...I'm not promised anything longer than the moment I'm currently living. I can plan for the future and aspire to be many things, but the reality is that i don't know if i will have months, years, decades...no one knows. With each friend passing, it makes me stop and wonder what am I doing with my life. When Jeremy passed, I promised myself I would do more to live my life fully...like he would've. This commitment took me to the top of a mountain in Mexico in March of 2010. What will i learn this time? How can I honor Murph in my life?
Right now I feel even more uncertain. Trying to trust God when nothing makes sense is so hard...and doesn't make sense in the context of our lives and culture...but what else can I do? What else can we do? I have to rest in the promise that HE gives and TAKES AWAY...and ALL will work according to His good, perfect, and pleasing will.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
1 year later...
So i've finished my first year at A&M. In some respects, I can't believe that year 1 is already gone...in others I think holy cow...only 1 year down!?
This year I handled student death, suicidal students, personal health issues (2 ER trips, surgery, and dental issues), and many other shenanigans. I advised 4 student organizations, 5 trips (3 conferences, 1 alternative break trip, AND a camping trip), and countless hours spent preparing and working with students.
As I get older, I'm beginning to figure out what I really want in my life...or what makes me happy. I've come to a few conclusions this summer:
Academics/Professional
- When I do a PhD program, I want to go back to being a grad student...working PLUS class is insane.
- When I do a PhD program, I want a strong cohort where discussions and challenge take place often.
- I will spend this year trying to gain experiences so I can be competitive in a job search for Asst. Director/Coordinator level positions in Greek Life or Student Activities.
- I want to propose a community service learning community this year...service is essential and I feel serving others is something I'm committed to doing for the rest of my life.
Personal
- I don't like people to who take themselves too seriously. I believe in work hard play harder. I will be serious and professional...but I want to live an awesome life that will NEVER leave me wondering what would've happened if I'd _____.
- I am a beach person. i've always loved the beach...but it has become evident through my travels this summer (to San Diego and Maui), that I must live at the beach. I am a happier and nicer person. Looking at the water, walking on the shore...all of this mellows me and just makes my soul happy. I guess this is from growing up on the water...Island life will do that, I suppose?
- As much as I've fought to stay in the south, I think my next move will be to CA (maybe FL or SC).
- I am 26, single, and kinda clueless about who I am. So far I have a few things:
friend, Christian, lover of the beach, traveller, student affairs practitioner, and avid reader.
I feel like I don't know much outside of that. I have lots of thoughts/dreams/ideas...but sometimes that is terrifying. I believe I want a family, a husband, kids...but that is scary--that would change my identity, and my ability to do what I want. Of my knoxville girls that started 2009 single...every single one is engaged--except me. And yes, that can be disappointing, and at times make me wonder what on earth is wrong with me, I still am kinda ok with singleness. At least for now. I can do what I want when I want. I can spend money, go places, do whatever, without answering to anyone. It's kinda nice. The other side of that coin is--who do you share life with? What if "the one" never comes? I look at older colleagues in the department who are single women, and I can't help but wonder if they are single due to choice, circumstance, profession or what? Am I destined to be a single old lady with a dog (i'm too allergic to cats. and cats are lame)? Will my strong desire for a family be just that...a want that never comes to fruition?
What I do know...is that it is now August 1. I will spend the next month in training for weeks on end, welcoming new students (and parents) to campus, accommodating changes and requests, and responding to (hopefully not too many) duty calls. My next piece of freedom will be Sept. 6--but such is the life in ResLife. I'm hoping that this August is easier, especially since I've done it once before. So, here's to a new year--may I learn a lot, do more (FOR ME!!), and accomplish great things!
This year I handled student death, suicidal students, personal health issues (2 ER trips, surgery, and dental issues), and many other shenanigans. I advised 4 student organizations, 5 trips (3 conferences, 1 alternative break trip, AND a camping trip), and countless hours spent preparing and working with students.
As I get older, I'm beginning to figure out what I really want in my life...or what makes me happy. I've come to a few conclusions this summer:
Academics/Professional
- When I do a PhD program, I want to go back to being a grad student...working PLUS class is insane.
- When I do a PhD program, I want a strong cohort where discussions and challenge take place often.
- I will spend this year trying to gain experiences so I can be competitive in a job search for Asst. Director/Coordinator level positions in Greek Life or Student Activities.
- I want to propose a community service learning community this year...service is essential and I feel serving others is something I'm committed to doing for the rest of my life.
Personal
- I don't like people to who take themselves too seriously. I believe in work hard play harder. I will be serious and professional...but I want to live an awesome life that will NEVER leave me wondering what would've happened if I'd _____.
- I am a beach person. i've always loved the beach...but it has become evident through my travels this summer (to San Diego and Maui), that I must live at the beach. I am a happier and nicer person. Looking at the water, walking on the shore...all of this mellows me and just makes my soul happy. I guess this is from growing up on the water...Island life will do that, I suppose?
- As much as I've fought to stay in the south, I think my next move will be to CA (maybe FL or SC).
- I am 26, single, and kinda clueless about who I am. So far I have a few things:
friend, Christian, lover of the beach, traveller, student affairs practitioner, and avid reader.
I feel like I don't know much outside of that. I have lots of thoughts/dreams/ideas...but sometimes that is terrifying. I believe I want a family, a husband, kids...but that is scary--that would change my identity, and my ability to do what I want. Of my knoxville girls that started 2009 single...every single one is engaged--except me. And yes, that can be disappointing, and at times make me wonder what on earth is wrong with me, I still am kinda ok with singleness. At least for now. I can do what I want when I want. I can spend money, go places, do whatever, without answering to anyone. It's kinda nice. The other side of that coin is--who do you share life with? What if "the one" never comes? I look at older colleagues in the department who are single women, and I can't help but wonder if they are single due to choice, circumstance, profession or what? Am I destined to be a single old lady with a dog (i'm too allergic to cats. and cats are lame)? Will my strong desire for a family be just that...a want that never comes to fruition?
What I do know...is that it is now August 1. I will spend the next month in training for weeks on end, welcoming new students (and parents) to campus, accommodating changes and requests, and responding to (hopefully not too many) duty calls. My next piece of freedom will be Sept. 6--but such is the life in ResLife. I'm hoping that this August is easier, especially since I've done it once before. So, here's to a new year--may I learn a lot, do more (FOR ME!!), and accomplish great things!
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