It seems hard to write tonight...but when I don't know what do to, think, or say...I go to writing. Somehow the click of the keys, the certainty of the delete key help the thoughts come and go...form into sentences, fragmented thoughts that hope to become logical, complete paragraphs.
I got the call this morning that a friend had passed away--a friend from college and grad school. I'm SO tired of these phone calls. The calls about Murph brought back the feelings of loosing Jeremy...and being trapped, far away from Tennessee, not able to do anything. The past 18 months seem to be full of sadness. Losing Jeremy made me question how and why God would take a young, healthy man. Today, another young friend is gone. And all seemingly so quickly. Both of them were under 30...a lifetime ahead of them.
It is so weird to say "my friend died today". I'm 26. I didn't say a grandparent or a mentor...a friend. Someone of my peer group. we're in our 20s! Some of us don't even know who we are yet...or what we want to be when we grow up. We're still in school...we still eat cereal for dinner, drink cheap drinks, live with roommates (or better yet...STILL live on campus), drive hand-me-down or used cars...we're young! Dying shouldn't be part of the vocabulary...we're supposed to be plotting adventures, travels, weddings...just beginning our lives. Today I spoke to friends across the country...WA, SC, IN, VA and TN...all of us trying to make sense and understand what had just occurred. How could our funny, witty, caring Murph possibly be gone?? In his passing...I talked to girls I haven't seen in a year or 2...hadn't picked up a phone to call in probably just as long. But it was as though that wasn't important today--today was about Murph.
I can't help but think how this isn't fair. and i know life isn't fair. I can't help but think why them? Why not me? Seeing these lives go by so quickly makes me reflect on the concept that we are NOT promised tomorrow, next week, next year, or the next 10 years. I am NOT promised a family, children, a PhD...they are the desires in my heart...but they are not promised to me. And, unfortunately, sometimes I live too far in the future. "Well...if I can make it to October, I'll be happy"..."if I can get married, then I'll be happy"...I'm not promised anything longer than the moment I'm currently living. I can plan for the future and aspire to be many things, but the reality is that i don't know if i will have months, years, decades...no one knows. With each friend passing, it makes me stop and wonder what am I doing with my life. When Jeremy passed, I promised myself I would do more to live my life fully...like he would've. This commitment took me to the top of a mountain in Mexico in March of 2010. What will i learn this time? How can I honor Murph in my life?
Right now I feel even more uncertain. Trying to trust God when nothing makes sense is so hard...and doesn't make sense in the context of our lives and culture...but what else can I do? What else can we do? I have to rest in the promise that HE gives and TAKES AWAY...and ALL will work according to His good, perfect, and pleasing will.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
1 year later...
So i've finished my first year at A&M. In some respects, I can't believe that year 1 is already gone...in others I think holy cow...only 1 year down!?
This year I handled student death, suicidal students, personal health issues (2 ER trips, surgery, and dental issues), and many other shenanigans. I advised 4 student organizations, 5 trips (3 conferences, 1 alternative break trip, AND a camping trip), and countless hours spent preparing and working with students.
As I get older, I'm beginning to figure out what I really want in my life...or what makes me happy. I've come to a few conclusions this summer:
Academics/Professional
- When I do a PhD program, I want to go back to being a grad student...working PLUS class is insane.
- When I do a PhD program, I want a strong cohort where discussions and challenge take place often.
- I will spend this year trying to gain experiences so I can be competitive in a job search for Asst. Director/Coordinator level positions in Greek Life or Student Activities.
- I want to propose a community service learning community this year...service is essential and I feel serving others is something I'm committed to doing for the rest of my life.
Personal
- I don't like people to who take themselves too seriously. I believe in work hard play harder. I will be serious and professional...but I want to live an awesome life that will NEVER leave me wondering what would've happened if I'd _____.
- I am a beach person. i've always loved the beach...but it has become evident through my travels this summer (to San Diego and Maui), that I must live at the beach. I am a happier and nicer person. Looking at the water, walking on the shore...all of this mellows me and just makes my soul happy. I guess this is from growing up on the water...Island life will do that, I suppose?
- As much as I've fought to stay in the south, I think my next move will be to CA (maybe FL or SC).
- I am 26, single, and kinda clueless about who I am. So far I have a few things:
friend, Christian, lover of the beach, traveller, student affairs practitioner, and avid reader.
I feel like I don't know much outside of that. I have lots of thoughts/dreams/ideas...but sometimes that is terrifying. I believe I want a family, a husband, kids...but that is scary--that would change my identity, and my ability to do what I want. Of my knoxville girls that started 2009 single...every single one is engaged--except me. And yes, that can be disappointing, and at times make me wonder what on earth is wrong with me, I still am kinda ok with singleness. At least for now. I can do what I want when I want. I can spend money, go places, do whatever, without answering to anyone. It's kinda nice. The other side of that coin is--who do you share life with? What if "the one" never comes? I look at older colleagues in the department who are single women, and I can't help but wonder if they are single due to choice, circumstance, profession or what? Am I destined to be a single old lady with a dog (i'm too allergic to cats. and cats are lame)? Will my strong desire for a family be just that...a want that never comes to fruition?
What I do know...is that it is now August 1. I will spend the next month in training for weeks on end, welcoming new students (and parents) to campus, accommodating changes and requests, and responding to (hopefully not too many) duty calls. My next piece of freedom will be Sept. 6--but such is the life in ResLife. I'm hoping that this August is easier, especially since I've done it once before. So, here's to a new year--may I learn a lot, do more (FOR ME!!), and accomplish great things!
This year I handled student death, suicidal students, personal health issues (2 ER trips, surgery, and dental issues), and many other shenanigans. I advised 4 student organizations, 5 trips (3 conferences, 1 alternative break trip, AND a camping trip), and countless hours spent preparing and working with students.
As I get older, I'm beginning to figure out what I really want in my life...or what makes me happy. I've come to a few conclusions this summer:
Academics/Professional
- When I do a PhD program, I want to go back to being a grad student...working PLUS class is insane.
- When I do a PhD program, I want a strong cohort where discussions and challenge take place often.
- I will spend this year trying to gain experiences so I can be competitive in a job search for Asst. Director/Coordinator level positions in Greek Life or Student Activities.
- I want to propose a community service learning community this year...service is essential and I feel serving others is something I'm committed to doing for the rest of my life.
Personal
- I don't like people to who take themselves too seriously. I believe in work hard play harder. I will be serious and professional...but I want to live an awesome life that will NEVER leave me wondering what would've happened if I'd _____.
- I am a beach person. i've always loved the beach...but it has become evident through my travels this summer (to San Diego and Maui), that I must live at the beach. I am a happier and nicer person. Looking at the water, walking on the shore...all of this mellows me and just makes my soul happy. I guess this is from growing up on the water...Island life will do that, I suppose?
- As much as I've fought to stay in the south, I think my next move will be to CA (maybe FL or SC).
- I am 26, single, and kinda clueless about who I am. So far I have a few things:
friend, Christian, lover of the beach, traveller, student affairs practitioner, and avid reader.
I feel like I don't know much outside of that. I have lots of thoughts/dreams/ideas...but sometimes that is terrifying. I believe I want a family, a husband, kids...but that is scary--that would change my identity, and my ability to do what I want. Of my knoxville girls that started 2009 single...every single one is engaged--except me. And yes, that can be disappointing, and at times make me wonder what on earth is wrong with me, I still am kinda ok with singleness. At least for now. I can do what I want when I want. I can spend money, go places, do whatever, without answering to anyone. It's kinda nice. The other side of that coin is--who do you share life with? What if "the one" never comes? I look at older colleagues in the department who are single women, and I can't help but wonder if they are single due to choice, circumstance, profession or what? Am I destined to be a single old lady with a dog (i'm too allergic to cats. and cats are lame)? Will my strong desire for a family be just that...a want that never comes to fruition?
What I do know...is that it is now August 1. I will spend the next month in training for weeks on end, welcoming new students (and parents) to campus, accommodating changes and requests, and responding to (hopefully not too many) duty calls. My next piece of freedom will be Sept. 6--but such is the life in ResLife. I'm hoping that this August is easier, especially since I've done it once before. So, here's to a new year--may I learn a lot, do more (FOR ME!!), and accomplish great things!
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