brevity

It seems hard to write tonight...but when I don't know what do to, think, or say...I go to writing. Somehow the click of the keys, the certainty of the delete key help the thoughts come and go...form into sentences, fragmented thoughts that hope to become logical, complete paragraphs.

I got the call this morning that a friend had passed away--a friend from college and grad school. I'm SO tired of these phone calls. The calls about Murph brought back the feelings of loosing Jeremy...and being trapped, far away from Tennessee, not able to do anything. The past 18 months seem to be full of sadness. Losing Jeremy made me question how and why God would take a young, healthy man. Today, another young friend is gone. And all seemingly so quickly. Both of them were under 30...a lifetime ahead of them.

It is so weird to say "my friend died today". I'm 26. I didn't say a grandparent or a mentor...a friend. Someone of my peer group. we're in our 20s! Some of us don't even know who we are yet...or what we want to be when we grow up. We're still in school...we still eat cereal for dinner, drink cheap drinks, live with roommates (or better yet...STILL live on campus), drive hand-me-down or used cars...we're young! Dying shouldn't be part of the vocabulary...we're supposed to be plotting adventures, travels, weddings...just beginning our lives. Today I spoke to friends across the country...WA, SC, IN, VA and TN...all of us trying to make sense and understand what had just occurred. How could our funny, witty, caring Murph possibly be gone?? In his passing...I talked to girls I haven't seen in a year or 2...hadn't picked up a phone to call in probably just as long. But it was as though that wasn't important today--today was about Murph.

I can't help but think how this isn't fair. and i know life isn't fair. I can't help but think why them? Why not me? Seeing these lives go by so quickly makes me reflect on the concept that we are NOT promised tomorrow, next week, next year, or the next 10 years. I am NOT promised a family, children, a PhD...they are the desires in my heart...but they are not promised to me. And, unfortunately, sometimes I live too far in the future. "Well...if I can make it to October, I'll be happy"..."if I can get married, then I'll be happy"...I'm not promised anything longer than the moment I'm currently living. I can plan for the future and aspire to be many things, but the reality is that i don't know if i will have months, years, decades...no one knows. With each friend passing, it makes me stop and wonder what am I doing with my life. When Jeremy passed, I promised myself I would do more to live my life fully...like he would've. This commitment took me to the top of a mountain in Mexico in March of 2010. What will i learn this time? How can I honor Murph in my life?

Right now I feel even more uncertain. Trying to trust God when nothing makes sense is so hard...and doesn't make sense in the context of our lives and culture...but what else can I do? What else can we do? I have to rest in the promise that HE gives and TAKES AWAY...and ALL will work according to His good, perfect, and pleasing will.