solo

1/1/11....a new year, a new adventure. Today seems like such a fresh page to many. So many people will create resolutions, many of which will be abandoned before the month is up. As I approached 2011, I'm not sure I really "resolved" to do/be anything...though there are things that are changing--not as a result of the passing of a year.

As I grow older, I am learning more about myself...my likes and dislikes, my goals, the things I value...and they aren't necessarily what I thought when I was younger. For example...doing anything alone was a sign of weakness...the ultimate sign of being a loser is being alone. Well, I've gone to the movies twice in the past 2 weeks alone to see a movie I love. I love ballet. I love dancing. I couldn't stop yammering about Black Swan. I knew not many of my friends would be thrilled to see it...so I went alone. I thought I'd be "that girl"...you know, the one who appears to have no friends, no one must like, because she is at the movies...ALONE. But I got the courage together, and I went. I uttered "one...black swan, please". I got my diet coke, and entered a FILLED theater, and found a seat. Alone. And I didn't die. I felt nervous and was ready for the lights to go down...but sure enough the lights went down, the previews came on, and there was my movie. Ballet slippers thudding, Natalie Portman en pointe, a beautiful soundtrack...i was taken away (until the stupid townies started being redneck)...and all of a sudden, it didn't matter I was alone.

So today, I wanted to see it again. So, I got ready and headed off. Again I uttered, "one for Black Swan", selected my seat and settled in. I watched intently, seeing things differently the second time around...and the movie wasn't the only thing I saw differently the second time. The idea of solo came to me. As a musician (and lover of dance), solos are cherished, prized, competed for. Your love of your art...your passion, motivates you to keep pushing, striving, perfecting, until you get that moment to shine. Yet, once this concept of solo...or being alone...in life is seen as bad, scary, amiss.

Growing up, I died for the solo...the one to sing the descant, the only one to sing that song...the special one. Yet, now going solo to a movie freaked me out? How is it, that standing out...alone, bearing your through your gift (music, dance, etc), is less anxiety inducing than attending a 2pm movie alone?

Somehow, this idea of alone (or flying solo) is equated with something terrible...at least to me. I don't know if it is Americans, Southerners, or Christian Southerners...but as a near 27 year old...not in a significant relationship--I seem to be an outlier. So many friends are married with children, married, engaged, or at least seriously dating. My deam of being married with 2 (of 4) kids by 30 is pretty out the window at this point...and a a year or two ago, it would've stressed me out. But now I look at this idea of solo...I get to make it up as I go...I don't have a partner to dance with, or a harmony to fit in to...I get to create as I go. If I want to pursue more education, I can. If I want to move to New York with my best friend, I can. All I know, is that this year...solo will not scare me--it will help motivate me to pursue my passions.